Hell Week

Being the psycho-witch that I am, I caused my car to break-down. Shortly after posting a tirade about being ignored and belittled by mechanics, I witnessed my car completely breaking down last night. The highlight was when the speedometer read 0 while I was driving on the West Side highway. A close runner-up was when I saw the electric diagnosis thingy (and I wonder why I gets no respect from mechanics, right?) read "Transmission: Complete system failure" with my own eyes. It has been confirmed to me by a very nice young mechanic (who completely acknowledged the lack of respect women get at the car shop on his own) that my transmission is totally fucked up. Damn, I wish I could sue those mechanics and use the money to buy a new car.

Honestly, this week was the worst week in at least 6 months. It's odd because the lows have been really low but the highs have been extremely high. In this week alone, at least three positive changes I have been anticipating for a VERY long time have come to fruition. I signed the lease on my new luxury apartment, I might be getting a transfer at work(fingers crossed) and I had an extremely positive experience at a new OB/GYN. You may laugh but if you have a vagine, you know how hard it is to find a good gyno. Just watch that King of Queens episode where Carrie does crazy things to keep her OB/GYN. Anyhoo, that's not even mentioning the host of other great things that happened this week including but not limited to waking up every morning, having good food to eat and having good friends and family to support me in hell weeks like these. In addition, I have met some fabulous human beings as well as some terrible ones.

I guess this week is a microcosm of life as a whole. It came at me really fast and really hard. Every minute of every day has been overwhelming, both at work and at home. I've felt extreme joy, sadness and have been pulled in about 500 directions at the same time.

All in all, what made this week so bad was that I failed at creating balance. I failed to remember that I have the power to decide how I feel. Instead of getting through the week, I let it beat the shit out of me. I turned what might have been a challenging week with lots of surprises and changes into a week where I felt like I was on a roller-coaster ride from hell, just holding my head down and waiting for it to end. Funny enough, that's actually how I always rode roller-coasters when I was younger. I used to hide so much that when we looked at the pictures afterward, you couldn't see me because I was crouched under the seat. But, it made no sense because I love rollercoasters. I love the excitment, the fear, the joy, the crowd. I love the view from the top (even though I'm fearful of heights). It never made sense that I waited forever on a long ass line to spend the whole 30-seconds hiding behind the seat. As corny as this may sound, I don't want to live my life crouched behind a seat. By the time I look up, I'll have missed out on all those things that make life worth living.

And, I did have some serene moments where I felt like everything would be OK. Many of them were closely followed by shitstorms but I had some calm moments. What's good is that I definitely felt like I created some of those moments myself. When I was aware enough to realize that I was on the verge of a mini-breakdown I took control of my mind and body. I slowed down my gait I deepened my breathing and I cleared my mind. I felt so empowered because it reminded me that, although I can't control what happens to me I am ultimately in control of how I respond to those things. I have to utilize that control to keep my piece of mind.

So I suppose at the end of a trying (to put it nicely) week, I will take these lessons in preparation of the next time, because there's always a next time.