Tired of being fat

I've got a real problem on my hands that I've been too embarrassed to admit aloud. I am fat. Right now, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I should be. I can't fit my clothes. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because I feel that gives me license to stay fat. I guess I figure that if I make myself miserable enough by forcing myself to wear ill-fitting clothes, I will lose weight. If I get tired of looking at all the clothes in my closet that I can't/won't wear because I'm too fat to look the way I want to look in them, I will lose weight. If I (at first) refuse to cut my hair until my face gets slimmer and (later) decide to cut it and suffer with a too fat face for my haircut, I will definitely lose the weight. So far it hasn't worked. My vanity hasn't kicked in. I just feel and look like shit. And I've been too embarrassed to admit how out of control I feel. It is scary because, in the past, just deciding I would lose weight usually did the trick. Back then, I had probably gained weight because I had been overindulging. Now, even when I'm super aware of my portion control and the types of food I eat, I'm still fat. I guess I am officially old. Anyhoo, I guess I feel like I can admit this here because, as I said in my last post, I AM TALKING TO MYSELF. Well, self, you need to get your shit together because your vanity is remembering the days that you were a sexy bitch and we are not ready to let go of that. I am only 26 (albeit dangerously close to 27) after all. I have the rest of my life to be unattractive. Maybe writing it down will help me make a better commitment than just thinking of it. Perhaps if I get a reader or two in the next month, they can help motivate me. Well, here goes. I am going to lose weight because I want my life back. Here is how much weight I am going to lose: 20 pounds. That's just the beginning because I really would like to lose 30 altogether but 20 is a start. Stay tuned for how exactly I will do this because, at this point, I have no freaking idea.

Schizophrenic moves

At this point, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm writing to myself. There's no way that any of the three readers I had at some point are still checking my blog every week or so after MONTHS of absolutely no signs of life. Nonetheless, I'm mustering up the courage to write, to talk to no one. I'm actually pretty good at that. I talk to myself all the time. I was actually talking to myself quite excitedly in the car today when I realized that people in other cars can see me and are most likely clever enough to notice that I am not singing along to the radio but more likely having a schizo-like conversation with one of the people who live within my head. So yeah, talking to myself should be cool.

Talking to myself

At this point, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm writing to myself. There's no way that any of the three readers I had at some point are still checking my blog every week or so after MONTHS of absolutely no signs of life. Nonetheless, I'm mustering up the courage to write, to talk to no one. I'm actually pretty good at that. I talk to myself all the time. I was actually talking to myself quite excitedly in the car today when I realized that people in other cars can see me and are most likely clever enough to see that I am not singing along to the radio but more likely babbling to myself. Fun times. Fun.