Why am I so Angry?!

Today, somebody told me that they had read my blog and I immediately panicked. No, like seriously. I freaked out because I have just been dropping ridiculous bullshit on here for the sake of publishing something but I haven't written anything witty, deep, funny, poignant in a long time. So I opened up the page and looked at some of my recent posts and I am now MORTIFIED. It's much worse than I thought.

I sound like an angry, bitter, lonely bitch who is also a horrible writer. Great. Not exactly what I had in mind when I was pushing myself to blog to get my creative juices going.

Even worse, this person happens to be a gentleman that I like (oh don't worry. It doesn't matter if I admit it here cause I'm pretty sure he will never visit this blog ever again) so I can basically forget about the possibility of him having any more interest in me.  I mean, I wouldn't date the person who wrote all these bitter ass tirades.

The truth is, I haven't been nearly as angry and bitter as my posts sound but because I only seem to blog when something pisses me off or I have an existential crisis, I seem like a fucking basket case. Great. No wonder I'm still single.

Oh well. Can't dwell on what's done. I guess if this gentleman (and whoever else may actually still read this blog) is worth my time, he will take those bitter posts with a grain of salt and reserve his judgments. In the meantime, I gotta fix this shit. It's thoroughly embarrassing.

I think the problem here is that there isn't a theme (at least not one I planned or properly executed). Oh yeah, the unofficial theme is "angry black bitch ravings" but that's definitely not a complete representation of me. I'm actually kinda funny, sweet and inspiring sometimes. I know! After reading this blog, I find it hard to believe myself!

Anyway, I think I'll change this blog to a more anecdotal, light-hearted journal. One where I share the quick musings of my daily experiences. One where I can make you laugh and smile, not want to call a health-care professional. Howzat sound? Much better? OK. Obviously this starts tomorrow cause this post is totally not "on message."

*awkward laugh*

Black Girls Don't Shave Their Legs: American voters and the “cult of loyalty”

Does this still apply?



Black Girls Don't Shave Their Legs: American voters and the “cult of loyalty”: I wrote this on 2/17/08 when the Clintons were becoming more and more unappealing to me. Thank you Bill and Hillary Clinton for successf...

Dear Mista-Man: Emoticons

Dating Notes from a 30-something year old hottie...

Dear Mista-Man:

You may think that my heavy use of emoticons is puerile but I only do it to compensate for the fact that you only initiate conversation via text message and I have a need to express myself as vividly as possible.

Who's the childish one now?

☕️

Don't feed the foolishness!

Ok. So last year I was learning how to say "no" and this year I'm learning how to ignore. I'm still struggling with both. My main gripe is this: why don't people get it the first time? When I say "no," I usually have to say it 5 more times before people even start considering that I might be serious. Now, when I am clearly ignoring you, why the hell are you still texting me? It's like this, I told you where I stand many times. You decided to disregard that so I decided to disregard you! Who has time to tell the same person over and over again how to treat them? I am a very clear communicator. So, once I have been telling someone the same thing over and over again with no response, I know it's time to move on. No need for me to re-engage with you and have the same discussion for the umpteenth time. I'm not putting anymore energy into talking to you. I'm not going to feed into your foolishness. I'm done. So ummm, when are you going to get the message?

That Woman You Married...

You marry a woman who can't even spell sensual. You marry a woman who says you were her first (and she's proud of it?!). You marry a woman who doesn't like to go out at night. So that means she doesn't like loud music? She's never closed her eyes in a crowded room and let the bass vibrate through her chest? Head back, arms slightly spread, receiving the rhythm like a blessing of the Holy Spirit? Smiling, as the chills run up and down her spine and manifest on her skin as goosebumps?

No. 

She's never done that because...she doesn't go out at night. Music is not intoxicating to her. She doesn't live for a series of bright, colourful experiences with family and friends. Laughter and intensity are not prerequisites for her daily life. Any joy she feels must be accidental! How else could she experience life when she doesn't have any interests besides being your wife? You marry a woman who is the complete opposite of alive and well. She lives in black and white. She is most definitely turned down. She's so uninteresting that I don't even care to find out how or why she got that way because it's not an option for me. Never going to happen.

What's that you say? 

I will never find a husband if I continue to live like this? Why do I have to decide between having a family and living authentically? There must be a glitch or a misunderstanding. How could God make me so vibrantly dynamic and then require me to cover all that light to find an ideal mate?

And when you do marry that woman. You know, the quiet one who only speaks when spoken to and who always says the most appropriate thing. You know, the girl who is pretty but not gorgeous. The one who dresses nicely but never \ risqué. The one who doesn't yearn to be in 20 different places at once and has lists of all the experiences she's feels she’s missing out on. The woman who's not strategizing on how she's gonna get her happy back on a daily basis. When you marry that faded woman and you still spend time with women like me, it's like I'm a supplement. You choose to fill yourself up with empty calories. Each bite of your life full of nothing substantial; nothing that satisfies your soul. And then you want me to fill in the spaces. Why? Why am I not good enough to be the main course? 

I am just like you. 

I know what excites you. I know your dreams. The things that keep you up at night are the same things that drive me crazy. What about those qualities we share make you an amazing catch but me a confused, loose hussy, unfit for marriage? What is it about my values and the way I choose to live my life that's good enough to be your friend but not your wife? 

Isn't your wife supposed to be your best friend? 

I can't help but call it fear. Why else would you reject your natural mate? Are you afraid of being inadequate? Are you afraid that I'll find a more exciting man and leave you or worse, cheat on you? Are you afraid that I'll hold you to a higher standard than she will? That I'm too smart to believe and tolerate your foolishness? That you would have to work to be a better man all around if you married me? 

Those are normal fears! It's part of the deal. Marriage is a commitment based on trust. No one goes into marriage believing and knowing for sure that things are going to work out. But we step out on faith; knowing that we've chosen the best possible mate that we want to journey through life with.

There's a difference between a man who is happy because he knows his wife loves him and is not going to cheat on him and a man who is happy because he knows his wife doesn't leave the house so she can't cheat on him. It's like those dudes who date ugly women because they don't want to deal with the stress of dating a woman with options. Why face your fears when you can just eliminate them? So you would forgo real fulfillment and happiness for safety and security? Not gonna lie, it sounds about right. Most people around me are making that choice in their careers so why not in love? And here I am: caught out there. Single and unwilling to settle. Wanting to find my God-given mate but realizing that being the fantastic woman I am might very well drive his tired ass away. But I made a decision that I'm not dumbing myself down to make a man feel comfortable. I'm gonna be myself and hope that I meet a man who is ready for a future with me. A future with challenges and uncertainty but with the promise of everything beautiful that life has to offer. Even if I did want to settle, I’m too old and set in my ways now anyway.

Stubborn Musings

This recent hullabaloo over "Empire" has led me to realize something about myself that perhaps might have already been obvious to others: I am fiercely independent.

I don't like to do what other people are doing. I really want to see this show (although I'm pretty convinced that I won't like it) if not for anything else than to prove or disprove my instincts. But, I just cannot get myself to participate in something that everybody around me is already doing! Lol. It's this stubborn quality that I hadn't quite acknowledged fully until now.

I'm sure any man I've dated, my mother and my best friends are probably saying "duh" right now but I'm genuinely surprised and amused at how far I would go to not be a part of a trend. I'll probably end up watching the whole season by myself after it's over because I'm just ridiculously difficult like that, I guess.