Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ever Heard of Planworld?

As some of you may know, I started my blogging career years ago (although blogging wasn't so widespread at that point) by regularly posting "plans" on an Amherst community website called Planworld. Basically, the only differences between writing plans and blogging are as follows:

1)Only members of the Planworld community can read your plan

2) There is a "snitch" feature that allows you to see who has visited your plan (if the person is "snitch-enabled")

3) There is also a "snoop" feature which allows you to link words on your plan to another person's plan. Snoop is often used to refer to something someone wrote on their plan. I also used to utilize the snoop feature to make asides or footnotes I suppose (I must have really gotten used to this method of expressing myself because now, I just misuse the hell out of commas and parentheses and write some hella long run-on sentences. I am so sorry).  So when you see a link, you should not click on it.  It isn't a live link.  Just place your cursor over it to read the subtext.  The only live links are to another username i.e. kdroberts or an actual url outside of planworld.

Anyhoo, I still read Planworld regularly. I've grown quite attached to the people (many of whom I have never actually met) who post regularly. I've been reading many of their plans for over 5 years. I have not, however, been posting regularly for a while. Nevertheless, I have been part of Planworld for about 8 years. Consequently, I have a lot of shit in my archives that is interesting/entertaining. Now, I don't want to recycle ideas from my sophomore year in college and post them up on here (oh the fucking horror) but I do think a lot of those posts would give a good idea of who I am (and who I have been in the past) to my new readers (this assumes that I may have some of those). So, I decided that I will begin a Planworld series where I choose a plan that I wrote on the same day in years gone by and post it up here. It is my hope that this will help you all become familiar with me (and give you something interesting to read while I get my mojo back!).

I actually decided to do this because of that damn Google Desktop program (Don't be fooled. I love that shit. I love how Google invades my fucking privacy. It's fantastic!). Last week, I was actually looking for pictures or video of this guy I was telling my friend Erica about and one of my search results was a plan I wrote in the summer of 2005 where I first mentioned the poor wretch. I found it hilarious but, as Erica knows all too well, I tend to find myself hilarious on the regular. Anyhoo, I digress. Although that plan was the inspiration for this series, in accordance with the rules of this new feature, I cannot post it until July 28th. So today, without further ado, I give you excerpts from my plan from June 25th, 2002 (right after my freshman year of college) and 2005 (right after I graduated).

I hope you enjoy this little journey into my past (ha! I'm so dramatic)

Note: In an effort to retain authenticity, I have only edited these plans for typos (which I could not help), not content (which I sometimes wish I could). Please excuse 19 year-old Kayla for all of the profanity and negativity. Maybe I have grown a bit.

2002
Date posted: 6-25-02, 4:59 pm

Plan:

Life is like a dick... When it
gets hard, fuck it.
 
It's interesting how planworld sometimes feels like my life line but oddly
enough, when life is flowing nicely, I don't have time for it. I'm sorry
I've neglected you all but I'm not really sorry because it means that life
is being good to me. Well for the most part.

WARNING: The following plan will be extremely random, try to work with me
here people. Thanks.

I cut off most of my hair. Yeah I know it stinks. Especially when everyone
you know, especially guys, thinks that your hair was your most valuable
attribute and now you're a beastly bald bitch (that was alliteration
motherfuckers!). But the good news is that I look older so I won't be
confused with the 5th graders at the camp anymore. Seriously, I'm getting
used to having short hair (it's been 5 days); I feel somewhat liberated,
like I can finally be the sexy bitch I was meant to be.

Can somebody tell me why I was walking down my block and a young man with
whom I have never exchanged words asked me "Why you cut your hair"? How the
hell do the dudes on my block know all my fucking business? Every time I
pass this fool and his friends, they make some comment about my personal
shit like we're cool.

On that subject, I made an observation at the club with Sona on Friday
night. There are many ways to grab an ass. However, for this observation I
am only concerned with two main ways. We have the 1)"I'm grabbing your ass
because I'm your man, we are intimately involved, and I know you like it."
I have no problem with this grabbing of the ass when it's used in the
correct context. Then we have the 2) "I'm grabbing your ass because I'm a
nasty motherfucker who gets no ass and I'm trying to get my feel on without
getting fucked up so I'm gonna make it brief." This type is usually not
accompanied by a pleasant reaction from most women because we do not want
guys we don't know or like to grab our asses. So, it is established that
situation 2 is bad for its own reasons but it is customarily greeted with
simply an evil look or a gentle push when you're in a hot club on a Friday
night.

My problem is with example number one. Why do guys in the club try
to grab your ass like it's okay and they don't deserved to get smacked for
that shit? Are they just getting bolder and letting hands linger on the ass
for longer than they should? This, my friends is a problem. And that's all
I'm gonna say.

Everyone on my fucking block must now call me "the pregnant bitch" behind my
back. How, you might ask, could that be (especially considering my poor
baby-making situation). Well, it might be due to the fact that I make
regular trips at 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, and sometimes 1:00 at night to all the
bodegas in my neighborhood to satisfy my various cravings for baked goods
(ie pound cakes, sweet potato pies, cookies). I disgust myself. One night,
I came in from one of my runs and Oprah was on and I sat there with my pound
cake and milk as I watched these fat people cry about being addicted to
eating. And that guy was yelling at them about controlling themselves.
And, as I closed my eyes to go to sleep that night, all I could see was an
image of myself, a fat cow, on Oprah crying about my fat ass as I stuffed my
piehole. It's time to go back to Amherst so that I can lose some damn
weight.

Is it bad that I went to my Ear Nose and Throat doctor complaining that I
still had tonsilitis and he, after checking my tonsils, said "It sounds like
you need to move on with your life."?

Even worse was when my hairdresser was cutting my hair. I kept whining
about looking like a fat little boy with my new haircut and he finally looks
at me in the mirror and says, "Honey, it's not the hair." What the
fuck?

The other day, my mother told me that "you tink you must drop boof an me
drop tick" to which I responded "Mommy, you been dropping boof for years, I
don't know what you worrying about." I love being part of an immigrant home.
The meshing of cultures is so amusing.

2005
Date posted: 6-25-05, 3:49 pm

Plan:
Guys, I can't tell you the last time I found it this difficult to update my
plan. Been trying since SUNDAY. yeah. SO instead of trying to do the
whole update at once, I'm gonna take baby steps. Yeah, I know. That's the
way things are going now. I'm so overwhelmed by life in general, I have to
take baby steps in updating my plan. I would say that right about now, the
best way for you and I to catch up is on the phone. So perhaps you should
call me, huh? Anyway here's the first bit.

So last weekend was pretty good. There were some bad/strange things but
overall, it was very nice. I took a break from my
boyfriend that I thought was gonna be permanent but...alas...
So, I had a very fulfilling weekend. Thank God. I needed it like whoa.
First, the cruise wasn't so bad. Actually, it was pretty nice. I got a
nice tan, had the chance to bond with my favorite
godmother
. There were some highlights but who really wants me to impart
those details?

Anyway, as soon as we got off the cruise, we went to Connecticut to go to my
aunt's wedding, which was beautiful despite my temporary jaded state (induced
by assholes and perverts all around me). I'm so glad that I decided to go,
even if it meant missing something really exciting for me because the chance
to spend time with family I haven't seen for years was priceless. Children
I knew when they were babies are now 15, taller than me etc. My cousin has
the most beautiful son. I can't even tell you. She calls him Chosen cause
she's seriously into some deep spiritual shit. The child is really
something. I have the most dynamic, amazing, beautiful family. I love it.
One of the best moments was at the reception, after I had imbibed a lot of
red wine and I was being myself. My aunt looks at me with this face of
disbelief and calls me my grandfather reincarnated. If you know me very
well, you know that I love and respect my grandfather more than any other
man I have ever known. Plus, I've always felt a connection between our
spirits and I think that we are very similar. So, for someone else in my
family to point that out, really felt special. Also, my family is crazy
diverse and the wedding was like a racial explosion, a good one.

Please bear with me as the rest of this plan will be extremely random.

I start teaching summer school on Monday. I've been given some teacher
manuals and told to make it work. Did I mention I have no formal teaching
training? Yeah...

I wasn't gonna take the apt. and then mommy convinced me to do it:

Ever since we looked at the apartment, my mother has been making it her
business to make my life a living hell so that I will want to move out and
she didn't come clean with it until Thursday, when I announced that I'm
going to take the apartment this weekend. I mean, she's driving me crazy.
What put me over the edge was Wednesday morning. I came home very late and
had not packed for the cruise and the weekend. My bad. But, I closed my
door and set my alarm to give me 4 hours of sleep and wake me up in time to
pack before it was time to go. I know that if I get 4 hours of
uninterrupted sleep, I can function quite well. At school, I could do
things like this with no problem. Not when you live with
Veronica. No no no, she will wake you up every half hour for
four fucking hours until you give up on trying to do whatever you were
trying to do. She came in my room about 3 times to ask me about a
damn Chinese slipper. She wakes me up five more times to tell me I have to
pack soon. She takes my stuff. She nags. I love her but it's time to go.
I predict that rent will be a small price to pay for my peace. Plus, I
would have free laundry and a spot across the street that has $1 margaritas
on Wednesday nights! So I decided and I was happy.

But then, the other day, she's like "Maybe you shouldn't take the apt.!"
And I'm like what? After I've already begun to get used to the idea?! This
is exactly what she did with college. I send in my deposit to Oberlin after
much racking of the brain and indecision with no opinions from her and she
says, almost a week later, mind you: "I don't think you should go to
Oberlin, I wanted you to go to Amherst." ARGHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, that's all folks. My duty calls, and has been calling for a while.
I must attend to the physical manifestation of my emotional baggage.

My next plan will most likely be about the male shenanigans that I've been
party to recently. That should be quite entertaining.