I Heart Mike Tyson's Running Man

Every Little Step with Mike Tyson & Wayne Brady from Mike Tyson

A few friends of mine already posted this video on Facebook but I had to share because Mike Tyson is the most endearing dancer I've ever seen. He's so animated and excited in this video it makes me wanna ask, "What ear-biting incident?" and "Robin Who?" Who can deny that face and those sincerely executed 90's moves? Lub-dub goes my heart.

On another note, I know it's common knowledge that Bobby Brown is a full-blown crackhead, among other things but am I the only person who gasped in horror at 2:30 when he opens his shirt and goes "aaaaahhhh"? Where are his teeth? I don't know if there's a couple missing or they just spread themselves apart. This is the "King of R&B"? Meanwhile, Whitney can't sing anymore.

These folks are just fanning the flames of a fire in which my childhood memories, heroes and innocence are all burning. Luckily, I'm quite good at separating who these people have become from the people I loved when I was a child. It's really helped me preserve good memories. You should try it. It works with people you know too! Just don't do it on a significant other because it'll be the reason you stay in a relationship too long. Then you'll wake up one day and realise that you don't even know the person you're with anymore because you've been too busy loving up who they used to be. Anyhoo, I have more than digressed. That is all for now.

Female Road Warrior

The best part of my day happened like this:

It's 1:45 pm and I'm pulling my well-loved (read, beat-up) minivan over on Third Avenue near 62nd Street to snag a parking spot that just opened up. My mother(professional back-seat driver) and I had been frantically looking for a spot because we were late for an appointment. As I quickly park in the spot, a middle-aged, heavy set white man who had been leaning on the meter exclaims:

"Whoa! You drive that van like a man!"

Me: "Why, thank you!"

Him: "Girl. I was standing here thinking that has got to be a man driving that van and then I see you!"

Me: *girly giggles and blushing*

That means a lot coming from a man. I take special pride in my ability to drive like a man. I can handle myself on the road. I'm a feminist and all, but when it comes to driving, it's an insult to call me a woman driver. Women drivers are hesitant, doubtful, passive and unfocused. When I'm driving, it is the main event. I'm not going to wait and see if the cab in front of me is going to pick up that group of drunk girls 50 feet ahead. I'm gonna overtake his ass so that I don't get caught behind him when he does. You feel me? You know what pisses me the hell off? I'm minding my business, speeding down the West Side Highway after another day of work and some blonde bitch in a black navigator nearly runs me into the damn Hudson river because she's yapping away on her cellphone. My thing is that if you don't weigh more than 150 pounds, you shouldn't be driving an SUV. I can't tell you how many times some little white girl has almost killed me because she can't drive a damn SUV. The worst part is that they're always alone in the car. Why are you driving an SUV alone?

One of my pet peeves is when random men on the street try to tell me how to operate my vehicle because I'm a woman. I can parallel park without keenly watching the vigorous hand motions you're making. I can do a broken u-turn without your guidance. I can merge into traffic and change lanes without your OK. I know I have breasts and I can look really cute and sweet to the untrained eye but I'm actually a crazy bitch behind the wheel. When you get in my car just put on your seat belt and prepare yourself for a thrilling (yet completely safe!) journey. I'm actually thinking of turning my minivan into a theme park ride. I'm just saying. Ask any of my friends how far-fetched that is.

But for real though, behind the wheel, I'm racist, sexist, classist (firefox says this isn't a word), ageist, homophobic, Islamophobic (I just wanted to say that)...you name it. Basically I hate everybody on the road that isn't me. I have a very specific and strongly held stereotype for every single type of driver and they're all negative! There are some neighborhoods I won't even drive through cause demographics have consistently proven them unnavigable! Yeah, this may sound horrible but I have tried and tested these theories. They are not coincidental!

One of my craziest moments in the car was one morning when I had to jump out of bed to move the car (street cleaning shit) and I hadn't combed my hair. This was when I was unemployed and lived on Second Avenue where they're building a subway! It was not a good combination. There were so few parking spaces that I would often park in a spot where I'd have to move my car early the next morning because, after driving around my neighborhood for hours falling asleep at the wheel, it was clear I wouldn't be getting the parking I needed that night. It also means that many a morning I overslept and ended up jumping out of my sleep and running out of the house wearing my baggy thermal underwear (which my boyfriend titled "the no-sex leggings") tucked into rain boots and a granny sweater to make sure I didn't get a ticket. Unemployed bitches cannot afford tickets. Anyhoo, I digress. This was a morning like any other but I suppose my hair was looking extra matted. I honestly didn't give a fuck because, if I remember correctly, I was having an emotionally dramatic personal crisis and just hated the world. So this dude believes I cut him off and he comes after me honking and cussing. Naturally, I respond in kind being lewd and lascivious as only I can be and I apparently shocked him because he got this horrified look on his face and said, "Go comb your hair!" He promptly speeds away leaving me, matted afro and all staring, dropped jaw in disbelief on how I just got played by this corny ass white man. I mean, yes, my hair looked a little wild but damn. My hair had nothing to do with it. That was a low blow. I drove home in silence. I guess he shut me the hell up.

Ahhh...driving in this city is a trip. Pun intended.

Update

So, I still haven't started updating this blog enough to expect any readers but I'm gonna keep on until I get a little better. I have made some changes since my last post that are improving the quality of my life. I have lost about 20 pounds! I can fit into the clothes that I had to pack away when I started gaining weight and I'm planning on losing another 15-20 lbs. Yay! Also, I moved earlier this month into a bigger apartment that I love! I can't write much more right now but I will be coming back for another update soon. This post is a little insipid for my taste. I need to impart some angry black woman-ness on my imaginary readers.

Tired of being fat

I've got a real problem on my hands that I've been too embarrassed to admit aloud. I am fat. Right now, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I should be. I can't fit my clothes. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because I feel that gives me license to stay fat. I guess I figure that if I make myself miserable enough by forcing myself to wear ill-fitting clothes, I will lose weight. If I get tired of looking at all the clothes in my closet that I can't/won't wear because I'm too fat to look the way I want to look in them, I will lose weight. If I (at first) refuse to cut my hair until my face gets slimmer and (later) decide to cut it and suffer with a too fat face for my haircut, I will definitely lose the weight. So far it hasn't worked. My vanity hasn't kicked in. I just feel and look like shit. And I've been too embarrassed to admit how out of control I feel. It is scary because, in the past, just deciding I would lose weight usually did the trick. Back then, I had probably gained weight because I had been overindulging. Now, even when I'm super aware of my portion control and the types of food I eat, I'm still fat. I guess I am officially old. Anyhoo, I guess I feel like I can admit this here because, as I said in my last post, I AM TALKING TO MYSELF. Well, self, you need to get your shit together because your vanity is remembering the days that you were a sexy bitch and we are not ready to let go of that. I am only 26 (albeit dangerously close to 27) after all. I have the rest of my life to be unattractive. Maybe writing it down will help me make a better commitment than just thinking of it. Perhaps if I get a reader or two in the next month, they can help motivate me. Well, here goes. I am going to lose weight because I want my life back. Here is how much weight I am going to lose: 20 pounds. That's just the beginning because I really would like to lose 30 altogether but 20 is a start. Stay tuned for how exactly I will do this because, at this point, I have no freaking idea.

Schizophrenic moves

At this point, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm writing to myself. There's no way that any of the three readers I had at some point are still checking my blog every week or so after MONTHS of absolutely no signs of life. Nonetheless, I'm mustering up the courage to write, to talk to no one. I'm actually pretty good at that. I talk to myself all the time. I was actually talking to myself quite excitedly in the car today when I realized that people in other cars can see me and are most likely clever enough to notice that I am not singing along to the radio but more likely having a schizo-like conversation with one of the people who live within my head. So yeah, talking to myself should be cool.

Talking to myself

At this point, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm writing to myself. There's no way that any of the three readers I had at some point are still checking my blog every week or so after MONTHS of absolutely no signs of life. Nonetheless, I'm mustering up the courage to write, to talk to no one. I'm actually pretty good at that. I talk to myself all the time. I was actually talking to myself quite excitedly in the car today when I realized that people in other cars can see me and are most likely clever enough to see that I am not singing along to the radio but more likely babbling to myself. Fun times. Fun.

I'm Back!

I'm sorry I so rudely shut down my blog in August without so much as a word to all my faithful readers. For this, I truly apologize. And although my reason is pretty good, it still doesn't excuse me. I could have written a goodbye post. Damn, I suck.

Either way, I'm gonna try this one more time (hopefully I won't get another job that requires me to shut this baby down again). So, come one and all readers. Lend me your ears/eyes?

Good News and Bad News

Dear Lovely (and most likely disillusioned) readers,

The good news is that I'm not dead! Lol. Actually, the real good news is that I've been hired to work for the Obama campaign in Ohio and am now living in Cleveland doing some exciting (albeit exhausting) work until election day in November. The bad news is: because I'm now an employee of the next president of the United States of America, I have to take my blog down. It sucks because I haven't even had a chance to update in the past month or so (what with the plethora of visitors I have had and the crazy crisis-filled job I had before I quit and moved to Ohio) Anyway, life has been quite hectic for me and I apologize for being a tease. I have so much to say and I really hope that you will still be around when I can start publishing that again. As for now, this blog is temporarily defunct. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Much Love,

Kayla

This was not published until a year after it was written but I found it in my drafts so I figured, "what the hell?"

Hiatus ending

Hello friends!

I am terribly sorry for the damn near month long hiatus. Would you believe me if I told you that I literally have not had one minute to sit at the computer and write? I know you wouldn't but I'm telling you anyway. I mean, seriously, I write in my little notebook. I record memos on my phone but I have not had the opportunity to post any of this to my blog. So, once again, I am really very sorry. Would you forgive me if I inundate you with lots and lots of content from this wild brain of mine? Let's see...

American voters and the “cult of loyalty”

I wrote this on 2/17/08 when the Clintons were becoming more and more unappealing to me.

Thank you Bill and Hillary Clinton for successfully ending your love affair with the American public. Honestly, you had a good run. Americans are loyal as fuck when it comes to politics, aren’t they?

It’s ironic as hell that politics would be the field where people switch fundamental ideologies in a matter of days without a second thought. But not the American voters. No. You can depend on their loyalty. Well, in many cases, it manifests itself as a stubborn unwillingness to change their minds. If they liked a candidate in ’97 and he’s running again in ’08 he’d have to burn down a nursing home and steal from children’s fund for them to even begin thinking about the possibility of voting for another candidate. Either way, one thing is for sure. It’s gonna take a lot more than simply taking issue with that candidate’s stance on important issues.

Let’s be honest. As Americans, we have been notorious for electing presidents based on looks, musical ability (eh-em saxophone player), religion, last name, charisma etc. We’re not too fond of putting someone in the White House because they have good ideas. At least not in the years I’ve been a voter or old enough to be personally aware of voting trends. We as a public are becoming less and less aware of WHO is really running for president. I wish I could say I wasn’t even a little bit shocked the other night as I watched Jay Leno showing citizens (of all ages, races and genders thank GOD) he had met on the street pictures of people like Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, John McCain, John Edwards, Hillary Clinton and asking them to identify those people. As you can probably imagine, it was a complete bust. Not only did they not recognize current candidates’ pictures but, in many cases, it didn’t even ring a bell when Leno suggested their names. For our sake, I’m hoping this was conducted in the most vapid unaware part of Hollywood and is no reflection on the population as a whole but I cannot say I’m hopeful. I just cannot fathom living in a country where I know nothing about who is currently and who is petitioning to run it. Of course, at the end of the segment, Leno says, “You get the government you deserve!” and it’s funny but you can also tell he’s a little disgusted as well. Seriously, these are the people to whom the candidates are campaigning? People who cannot even remember candidate’s names, much less the details of their health plans? And here I am expecting voting results to make sense.

Honestly, the Clintons could have gotten re-elected (let’s just call it what it is) in a heartbeat. They wouldn’t have had to do much, just let their old faithful supporters know they're running and periodically conjure up grandiose images of the good years with the Clintons in the White House (especially in this day and age when the Clinton era economically seems so far away). No detailed ideas for healthcare would have been necessary, no millions of dollars needed to be spent. All they had to do was stand up on the stage and say, “hey guys! We’re running! Put us back in the White House!” There would have been no demand for a campaign of substance. The Clinton loyalty would have done all the work. Hell, I consider myself to be of considerable intelligence with great concern for the political future of this country and I was ready to vote for Hillary on principle!

Unfortunately for them, a wrench named Barack Obama was thrown into the system. Obama is not a name that conjures up years of financial prosperity. He doesn’t have a legacy to point to when he asks voters to put him in the White House. Frankly, if this election is business as usual, he’d have very little chance convincing anyone to elect him over a Clinton™. Luckily for him, the Clintons have managed to do the impossible. They’ve managed to lose a good amount of the old American loyalty that would have made them a shoo-in to the White House. And that is quite a feat. So much so that you can see many people trying to hold on to a positive idea of the Clintons by any means necessary: old guard feminist arguments, pity and even demonizing a very encouraging message of hope coming from the Obama campaign. Frankly, it’s quite embarrassing. They did this to themselves. With a combination of negativity, insincerity and a lack of passion, the Clinton’s have managed to push a lot of their old friends away. Take me for example (yes, I’m presumptive enough to consider myself as one of their old friends, anwat!?) I’m a little ashamed to say that I was once part of the group of black women who LOVED me some Bill Clinton. Sheepishly, I must admit that I might have called him the first black president once or twice in the past (I’m so embarrassed!). I remember his campaign song from ’92 (Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow…it’ll soon be here! Yesterday’s gone!) and I mourned the end of his second term with the solemnity and sincerity I would have had for the untimely death of a young child full of promise and talent—I was a melodramatic high school senior who was enrolled in an election elective course in school and convinced I would save the world one day. My support for Hillary was no exception. I, like most others viewed them as a unit. Her good ideas were his and his dedication to important issues was hers. I didn’t hesitate to elect her as a New York senator even though she was nothing close to a New Yorker because I eagerly anticipated her run for the presidency and knew that this position would be stepping stone on her path to the White House (even then, we all subliminally knew she was a plotting old witch who always aspired to be president). To me, it didn’t get any better than that: a Clinton who is a WOMAN back in the office?! Double Trouble! According to tradition, she’d be something akin to the first black female president (gag!)

Ugh, I’m sorry. I got a little carried away there but you get my point. Hillary had my support. I guess part of it was my inability to imagine another candidate who could challenge the promise a Hillary candidacy held (apparently, she didn’t either! ha ha ha!) And another part of it was…good old Clinton loyalty. Well, although I am American, I am not part of that loyal to a fault population. I still believe my vote is to be earned. Not to say I didn’t want Clinton to earn it. I was definitely rooting for her. But if she could turn off some of those “cult of loyalty” voters then they’ve done a pretty shit-tastic job of campaigning.

Of course the Obama factor doesn’t help. Anyone running against this man would find themselves in a difficult situation that is relatively new on the American political scene (at least to this generation of voters). But if anyone could beat Barack Obama (and let’s be very clear, I don’t think anyone should beat him), it would have to be a FEMALE Clinton. You can’t think up a more challenging opponent on paper. But ay…therein lies the rub. Unfortunately for the Clints, they’re not running on paper. They’re running in real time and every negative and cynical (and overtly racist for that matter) comment deals a blow to the loyalty that would have gotten her elected. Every insincere smile, every effort to hide Hillary’s power hunger and dress it up as a strong and genuine desire to help women and children diminishes the possibility of her getting votes from America’s thinking population. I’m sure if she were running against yet another uninspired candidate whose taken steps on a very protracted progression to the White House, she’d win. But when you have passion in a race, good old loyalty will NOT cut it. Even if you get every feminist on the face of the earth to write you a pitiful New York Times Op-Ed to make any women not supporting you feel traitorous to her gender. Even if you CRY. Even if you spend over 5 million dollars of your own money on your campaign. You can’t fight passion with any of that bullshit. Hillary has never had passion. She’s had loyalty. And that might have been good enough in any other election year. This time around though, it’s just not enough.