Tired of being fat

I've got a real problem on my hands that I've been too embarrassed to admit aloud. I am fat. Right now, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I should be. I can't fit my clothes. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because I feel that gives me license to stay fat. I guess I figure that if I make myself miserable enough by forcing myself to wear ill-fitting clothes, I will lose weight. If I get tired of looking at all the clothes in my closet that I can't/won't wear because I'm too fat to look the way I want to look in them, I will lose weight. If I (at first) refuse to cut my hair until my face gets slimmer and (later) decide to cut it and suffer with a too fat face for my haircut, I will definitely lose the weight. So far it hasn't worked. My vanity hasn't kicked in. I just feel and look like shit. And I've been too embarrassed to admit how out of control I feel. It is scary because, in the past, just deciding I would lose weight usually did the trick. Back then, I had probably gained weight because I had been overindulging. Now, even when I'm super aware of my portion control and the types of food I eat, I'm still fat. I guess I am officially old. Anyhoo, I guess I feel like I can admit this here because, as I said in my last post, I AM TALKING TO MYSELF. Well, self, you need to get your shit together because your vanity is remembering the days that you were a sexy bitch and we are not ready to let go of that. I am only 26 (albeit dangerously close to 27) after all. I have the rest of my life to be unattractive. Maybe writing it down will help me make a better commitment than just thinking of it. Perhaps if I get a reader or two in the next month, they can help motivate me. Well, here goes. I am going to lose weight because I want my life back. Here is how much weight I am going to lose: 20 pounds. That's just the beginning because I really would like to lose 30 altogether but 20 is a start. Stay tuned for how exactly I will do this because, at this point, I have no freaking idea.