Thus far, it has been extremely difficult for me to blog. It's been hard to express my feelings because they were so intertwined with someone else that I felt I was exposing him by expressing myself. If you know me, you know I perish without self-expression. It is who I am. It is what I do. For better or for worse, I thrive on expression.
That being said, I feel I've been frozen. Before I got into my 3-year relationship that just ended, I was a person with many friends and hobbies. I spent lots of time with family and friends and valued my interactions with everyone I came into contact with. I always had opinions to express and ideas to share. Being in a relationship has stifled that for me. I don't know why that part of me perished but I am sure that I want it back desperately.
So, I am blogging to survive. I am going to over-share like a motherfucker. There is nothing I have experienced that is new under the sun so I will share it without hesitation. I am no longer concerned with offending, alienating, or exposing anyone. I am going to say what I feel. I still have tact and plan to use it but I will not be private to a fault anymore. Being private is part of what kept me in a semi-unhappy relationship for too long. I love and trust the input of my family and friends. I have been missing their contributions to my life. I thought I was protecting my relationship by being private. I thought I was sending a message to the man I love about how much I cared for him by taking pains to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. I didn't want to subject him to criticism or ridicule. Unfortunately, this desire to protect him made me lose myself. I want me back.
So, I am blogging to survive.