Kingston Chronicles: I NEED Sunlight!

I just realized the biggest reason why I haven't fully embraced (or settled into) the place I'm currently living in, even though it is stylish and has lots of great qualities...

NATURAL LIGHT!

Now, it's a loft, so this shouldn't be a problem but, with the way it's set up, it is. It has two skylights (one in the bathroom and one over the stairs) but they're kinda small, dirty and opaque so they only work really well at high noon. It also has several glass windows and patio doors (which are big enough for lots of light to come through) but, because I have close neighbors, I have to completely cover them most of the time. Plus, there are so many bushes and trees surrounding my place that very little natural light gets in.

The lack of natural light has also created another issue, MOLD! The floors are clay so they absorb moisture and it has been raining for what feels like years so I have been having issues with mold, which terrifies the obsessive compulsive germaphobe in me. I came from vacation the other day and could smell the mold. I can only imagine what kind of havoc it's wreaking on my belongings.

That, in addition to the dutty bitch owner who waan treat me like mi "kotch wid har," means that I will likely have to move away from my dream loft. So sad but it must be done. I need to live in a safe, clean, comfortable home. Le sigh.

Why am I so Angry?!

Today, somebody told me that they had read my blog and I immediately panicked. No, like seriously. I freaked out because I have just been dropping ridiculous bullshit on here for the sake of publishing something but I haven't written anything witty, deep, funny, poignant in a long time. So I opened up the page and looked at some of my recent posts and I am now MORTIFIED. It's much worse than I thought.

I sound like an angry, bitter, lonely bitch who is also a horrible writer. Great. Not exactly what I had in mind when I was pushing myself to blog to get my creative juices going.

Even worse, this person happens to be a gentleman that I like (oh don't worry. It doesn't matter if I admit it here cause I'm pretty sure he will never visit this blog ever again) so I can basically forget about the possibility of him having any more interest in me.  I mean, I wouldn't date the person who wrote all these bitter ass tirades.

The truth is, I haven't been nearly as angry and bitter as my posts sound but because I only seem to blog when something pisses me off or I have an existential crisis, I seem like a fucking basket case. Great. No wonder I'm still single.

Oh well. Can't dwell on what's done. I guess if this gentleman (and whoever else may actually still read this blog) is worth my time, he will take those bitter posts with a grain of salt and reserve his judgments. In the meantime, I gotta fix this shit. It's thoroughly embarrassing.

I think the problem here is that there isn't a theme (at least not one I planned or properly executed). Oh yeah, the unofficial theme is "angry black bitch ravings" but that's definitely not a complete representation of me. I'm actually kinda funny, sweet and inspiring sometimes. I know! After reading this blog, I find it hard to believe myself!

Anyway, I think I'll change this blog to a more anecdotal, light-hearted journal. One where I share the quick musings of my daily experiences. One where I can make you laugh and smile, not want to call a health-care professional. Howzat sound? Much better? OK. Obviously this starts tomorrow cause this post is totally not "on message."

*awkward laugh*

Don't feed the foolishness!

Ok. So last year I was learning how to say "no" and this year I'm learning how to ignore. I'm still struggling with both. My main gripe is this: why don't people get it the first time? When I say "no," I usually have to say it 5 more times before people even start considering that I might be serious. Now, when I am clearly ignoring you, why the hell are you still texting me? It's like this, I told you where I stand many times. You decided to disregard that so I decided to disregard you! Who has time to tell the same person over and over again how to treat them? I am a very clear communicator. So, once I have been telling someone the same thing over and over again with no response, I know it's time to move on. No need for me to re-engage with you and have the same discussion for the umpteenth time. I'm not putting anymore energy into talking to you. I'm not going to feed into your foolishness. I'm done. So ummm, when are you going to get the message?

Stubborn Musings

This recent hullabaloo over "Empire" has led me to realize something about myself that perhaps might have already been obvious to others: I am fiercely independent.

I don't like to do what other people are doing. I really want to see this show (although I'm pretty convinced that I won't like it) if not for anything else than to prove or disprove my instincts. But, I just cannot get myself to participate in something that everybody around me is already doing! Lol. It's this stubborn quality that I hadn't quite acknowledged fully until now.

I'm sure any man I've dated, my mother and my best friends are probably saying "duh" right now but I'm genuinely surprised and amused at how far I would go to not be a part of a trend. I'll probably end up watching the whole season by myself after it's over because I'm just ridiculously difficult like that, I guess.

I have watched myself become mean and ornery. I have caught glimpses of the trajectory my life could take if I stay on this path of misery and bitterness. I will be mean and alone. Right now, I'm alone by choice because I don't feel like being around people. But one day, I'm gonna be alone because nobody wants to be around my miserable negative ass. It's gonna be like, "Oh Kayla? I can only take her in doses." And forget about a relationship with a man! Can you imagine? I won't be able to coexist and compromise with a man for the sake of a happy relationship. I'll just be an angry bitch who would rather be by herself than deal with the occasional inconvenience of a man's presence.

I know women like this. And with no disrespect to them, I'm not trying to be that person. But damn, I can sure as hell see how easy it is to get to that place. It's much easier to become bitter and jaded than to get up and try to be happy everyday. It's almost more natural too. I mean, think about it. What kind of idiot gets knocked down and keeps getting back up only to be knocked down again? How long does a person continue to do that before giving up?

I'm still fighting the good fight to stay engaged and hopeful but acknowledging that it's hard as hell!

I finally finished my vision board...

 ...and I'm focused, man!

I'm so excited to kick the rest of 2012 where the sun don't shine!

What What!!?

Survival - Bob Marley and the Wailers

I should be in my bed and I'm about to go there but I was just overwhelmed my how amazing the Survival album is that I had to blog real quick about it.  It's not just the most amazing Bob Marley album but one of the best albums of all time.  If you've never heard it, listen to it.  If you don't have a visceral reaction to that music then I don't know what you got going on in your soul.

I'm a little emotional, yes, and some say I'm dramatic but I'm tearing up just thinking about how deeply those tracks affected me growing up.  Its blowing my mind just thinking about how painfully relevant those tracks are to our world right now!  "Babylon System," could easily be an anthem for the Occupy Wall Street movement!  I love this album!  It contains my favorite Bob Marley song of all time (although I'm pretty sure that statement is not really feasible cause I love all of his art) "One Drop."

 When I was in my angry phase in high school, I used to just sing it in my head over and over again to drown out the bullshit they tried to teach me about myself and my culture. 

There is so much emotion dripping out of that song. It wells up in my heart and...sigh.  I just can't explain it.

Just promise me that you will make every effort to listen to this album as soon as possible.  And if you feel me, leave a comment!

Slow-driving Prius

On my drive home tonight I wondered aloud if the day will ever come when I have the pleasure of being on the road with a Toyota Prius that is not moving at least 15mph below the speed limit.  I mean, I usually enjoy being right quite a bit but the accuracy of my slow-driving Prius theory is beginning to startle me.  I have NEVER been on the road with a Prius driver who kept pace.  Oddly enough, the only time I have witnessed a fast-moving Prius was when I was in it.  No, I wasn't the one driving (although that would have made a lot of sense).  A friend of a friend took me on a roller-coaster ride in her Prius in LA this summer.  I was in fear of my life a  few times but it was exciting.  She's the only person I've ever seen driving a Prius like a real-life car and not a pretend one.

That's all I'm gonna say tonight.  So much is going on that I can't even discuss things of importance with any coherence right now so I'm doing you a favor.

Almond Milk

Almond milk

Amazing with cereal, super awkward with chocolate chip cookies.

That is all.

Oh Jason...

"Please tell them black girls to start shaving their legs, it feel like makka a jook me"

Jason S. Edwards

Just Wondering...

Who decided that black women would be considered the least desirable creatures on the planet and who the hell is leading the effort to perpetuate that myth? If I find that motherfucker, I'm going to make him suffer for the 25 years of personal struggle that I have had to endure as a result of the mixed messages that I receive on who I am and what I am worth to the world.