Oh no she didn't!

http://jezebel.com/congressional-aide-tells-sasha-and-malia-to-show-a-lit-1664496319?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Arrrrrgghh! This makes me so upset! Who picks on teenagers to make some asinine political statement?! What is WRONG with people? Talk about class. At least she apologized. But I'm still pissed.

Why am I so Angry?!

Today, somebody told me that they had read my blog and I immediately panicked. No, like seriously. I freaked out because I have just been dropping ridiculous bullshit on here for the sake of publishing something but I haven't written anything witty, deep, funny, poignant in a long time. So I opened up the page and looked at some of my recent posts and I am now MORTIFIED. It's much worse than I thought.

I sound like an angry, bitter, lonely bitch who is also a horrible writer. Great. Not exactly what I had in mind when I was pushing myself to blog to get my creative juices going.

Even worse, this person happens to be a gentleman that I like (oh don't worry. It doesn't matter if I admit it here cause I'm pretty sure he will never visit this blog ever again) so I can basically forget about the possibility of him having any more interest in me.  I mean, I wouldn't date the person who wrote all these bitter ass tirades.

The truth is, I haven't been nearly as angry and bitter as my posts sound but because I only seem to blog when something pisses me off or I have an existential crisis, I seem like a fucking basket case. Great. No wonder I'm still single.

Oh well. Can't dwell on what's done. I guess if this gentleman (and whoever else may actually still read this blog) is worth my time, he will take those bitter posts with a grain of salt and reserve his judgments. In the meantime, I gotta fix this shit. It's thoroughly embarrassing.

I think the problem here is that there isn't a theme (at least not one I planned or properly executed). Oh yeah, the unofficial theme is "angry black bitch ravings" but that's definitely not a complete representation of me. I'm actually kinda funny, sweet and inspiring sometimes. I know! After reading this blog, I find it hard to believe myself!

Anyway, I think I'll change this blog to a more anecdotal, light-hearted journal. One where I share the quick musings of my daily experiences. One where I can make you laugh and smile, not want to call a health-care professional. Howzat sound? Much better? OK. Obviously this starts tomorrow cause this post is totally not "on message."

*awkward laugh*

Maya Angelou's final blessing

That's it. 

Last night I was emotional and I looked to God for some direction. Some confirmation of the path that I should pursue. That struggle did not start last night. For years, I've lived in fear of following my heart and my passions. Every time I try, I choke on self-doubt, confusion, depression, fear and a host of other negative things that keep people from pursuing their dreams. But on this day, as I mourn the passing of one of the most influential women I have known, I thought to myself "Who will take her place? Who will take on her work? Who will inspire and love?Who will teach?" And I've been lamenting this anticipated void that would undoubtedly be left. But then I thought, "Why not me?" If there's anything we should learn from Maya Angelou, it's that we should live life to its fullest, commit to our talents (all of them) and accomplish great things! Why shouldn't I strive to walk in her footsteps? 

"There were times when it was said that I had more determination than talent. This may be said of many. It may also be said that life loves the person who dares to live it."

-Maya Angelou

What better way can I honor her for blessing my life than by living her lessons? I hear you, God. Loud and clear. I hear you. I will rise to the occasion. I make this promise out loud. I will declare it so that I cannot shrink from my destiny one more time because tomorrow is not promised. I will make my declaration clear so that those who hear me can hold me to it.

I promise to write everyday. I promise to cultivate my talents. I promise to read and rediscover my zeal for learning. I promise to share my gifts with the world unselfishly. I will not be afraid to love with all that I am because love is creation. And finally, I promise to exercise the faith that I have claimed for so long in the most relevant and powerful way possible: by completely investing in my dreams. I have faith that they are not accidents. I have faith that there is a plan for me. I know that I was made for more than mediocrity. I step out on that faith and promise to work hard. In doing so, I not only honor God and myself but also the amazing women like Maya Angelou who have inspired me my whole life. 

Ashe!

And all of a damn sudden...

She's back.

What the hell kind of blog is this?

Imaginary readers, why do you accept this nonsense?  I make promises of wonder and amusement, disappear for three months and then all of a sudden come back and start writing again like shit is sweet.  Honestly, if I had an audience it would probably be full of folks with ADD, like me.

Anyhoo, I'm not here to make promises for the umpteenth time.  I'mma just write about some bullshit and see what happens.  People all over the damn place writing about bullshit and guess what?  Motherfuckers read it!  Hell, I read it.  So...

Men

Clearly, they suck but some of us (mainly me) like them.  Now that I am single again, I have men on the brain.  Not just because I'm a boy-crazy whore (because I'm not) but because men seem to be swirling around me.  If it's not men, it's women with male energy.  I have to say.  I like men.  I like how they're pretty simple and straightforward, even when they're not trying to be.  I like how they tend to be honest (excluding any situations that involve women and relationships).  I like their calm.  I especially like being around men that I am not sexually involved with.  I learn a lot about their ways and myself.

On the other hand, when it comes to dealing with men that I have or have had feelings for, men that have, may have, may have had, think they have but don't really know, used to have but don't know if they still have (and so on and so forth) feelings for me, or men that just plain want to have sex with me, that shit is complicated!  I don't like it one bit.  I don't like that men are trifling.  I don't like that men don't want to work for pussy anymore.  I don't like that men want a woman who can cook, make more money than them, be a lady in the street, a freak in the bed, a rocket-scientist at all other times and be perfectly content with their not-enough-money making, no aspirations, goals or hobby having, limited mental and social capabilities, less than stellar sexual performances, no damn domestic tendencies, high maintenance bitchassness, can't even change a light bulb let alone a flat tire asses.

I am not a man-basher but fair is fair.  Men these days just want too fucking much. I try to behave in a calm and serene manner towards men--if only to shut these dudes up who keep telling me that black women have too much mouth and attitude and so that I can see what my options would be if I were a white girl (or any non-black woman that black men claim they look to for refuge after being destroyed, humiliated, neglected and unappreciated by black women, booo-motherfucking-hoo!) and honestly, these options don't look too good.

I have found myself wishing a lot lately that I was born a man so I could do any-damn-thing I want.  The other day a man, after listening to me bitch about double-standards between men and women replied, "well if you don't like double standards, you should have been born with a cock!"  **obnoxious laugh**  And honestly, he was right.  But something deep inside me thinks I actually was supposed to be born with a cock because I think and behave like I'm told a man should.  I expect the world to be fair. I am a little self-centered. An unequal relationship just does not compute for me. I don't understand the point of sex if I'm not being pleased. Apparently, these ideas are revolutionary for women. I thought it was just part of being treated with respect!

How I used to feel about Beyonce

Today I came across cold hard proof that I didn't always drink the Beyonce kool-aid. Here is a expletive-infested tirade I wrote about her in the summer of 2003 when "Crazy in Love" had just come out:

People! That "Crazy in Love" video is a fucking soft-porn.  The first time I saw it I was speechless.  I felt like I had been tainted.  I mean what the fuck? Beyonce has talent and she's beautiful.  Why the fuck does she feel the need to gyrate and roll around on the street in her panties to make money?  The worst thing is that the shit is HER song.  She's not some video hoe in Jay-Z's video. She's the fucking artist exploiting herself!  It's her video, her song and all she could come up with the video is running around in lingerie?  C'mon.  The only good thing that came out of that video is the "uh-oh" booty dance.  Many, many good nights at the club have been jump-started with that wonderful little move.  As for the song itself, those horns can get pretty fucking annoying when the DJ plays them over and over again before starting the song.  But I can't deny that that song overflows with energy.  I prefer her other song with Sean Paul though.  You know the song.  I can't think of the title.  It goes "Baby boy you stay on my mind fulfill my fantasies."  Yeah, that one.
Oh, and by the way.  That fucking ugly, bad-singing bitch Lumidee(or however you spell her dumb name) is fucking singing that uh-oh shit right out-fucking-side my window right now and NO I don't like it.  That song was annoying when it first came out and I just didn't want to admit it cause everyone liked it.  But people, don't you realize, you don't like the song, it's just impossible to get the shit out of your head so you decide to like it cause you gonna be singing it for a long ass time. The bitch sounds like she's whining on the playground in kin-deee-gaarten. If anyone sang that way in my presence, it would vex me beyond belief.  I would take a basketball and chuck it directly at their face repeatedly until they stopped.  Please don't believe the hype.  You don't like that horrible song.

Damn. I used to say "fuck" a LOT!

Whip/Smart

I don’t quite know when but, at some point, I stopped identifying as “smart.”  That is not to say that I don’t consider myself to a critical thinker, or intelligent.  What I mean is that I no longer consider those attributes to be points of identity for me.  I would much rather be seen as empathetic, resilient or even affable than “smart.”  When this comes up in conversation with old friends from my overachiever days, they often scoff at this development.  Often times, they feel as I am doing myself some deep disservice by no longer considering this trait to be essential to my notion of self.  I, however, find it incredibly freeing and integral to my personal journey towards authenticity.

As a product of a severely abusive childhood, my sense of self was pretty fucked from day one. Venerable psychologist Abraham Maslow went as far to say that those individuals who lack the very things that child abuse robs its victims of (ie. safety, love, occasionally food and water, family and confidence) are destined to have “a cripple psychology.”   Dr. Mary Ainsworth, another key figure in modern psychology, made it her life’s work to study the importance and life-long influence of parent-child relationships.  Put bluntly, having as shitty parent not only fucks you up during the abuse but, to some extent, for the rest of your life (even with therapy.)  Your essential sense of self is not allowed to form. 

Prevented from forging relationships with others, both directly (being literally locked in rooms) and indirectly (interacting with people in meaningful ways means having to explain why your Mom is nuts), I focused on school.  It was a sanctuary and a battleground where, regardless of what happened at home, I could reign supreme.  Aside from the obvious physical safety it provided, I was also able to escape to lands and lives I’d never imagined through reading.  And I definitely took pleasure in consistently scoring higher than the rest of my classmates, much to their chagrin.  In school, I was finally able to dominate.  

The older I became, doing well in school provided more tangible rewards; extra-curricular activities and summer long “nerd camps” allowed me to escape my home.  These rewards culminated in gaining a scholarship to a school where housing was paid for by my financial aid. 

However, it was also around this time that I realized I had no personal investment in school for…well, school’s sake.  While I was thankful for the knowledge I’d gained, I longed for something else. Something that everyone seemed to have.  Now that I was in college, I was forced to think about what I was going to do with this education – and that was terrifying. 

This ennui, this existential search to find out what the hell I was doing, lead to a very reckless part of my life that lasted years.  Even after graduating with honors, I shunned my past.  I felt that my education was worthless, as it didn't magically make anything better.  So I escaped with drugs, sex, and other self-harming behaviors.  Education didn't “fix” anything.  Being smart didn't make me anymore “me.” 

After years of therapy, I've come to a more nuanced understanding.  I see now that, it may very well have been the critical thinking skills I honed in school that allowed me to overcome my childhood.  The friends I made in college are now who I consider to be my “family” over a decade later.  So, it wasn't all for naught.  I work in a job where , while not setting the world on fire, I am able to call upon my education to creatively solve complex dilemmas on a daily basis.

So…”smart.”   That word is empty, and laced with desperation; both for an identity and some external approval.  So, while it may fit others, that’s a skin I've luckily shed. 

Beyonce, the Heartbreaker (you've got the best of me)

     I have always stayed quiet about the Beyonce hype... well, "always" is relative. But, I know a lot of people really like her- including the Obamas. And including my dear friend, Kayla, whose opinions I respect. Anyway, I wasn't surprised that Bey ripped out her heart. I kinda think that Beyonce ruins everything. The inauguration, the power grid at the Super Bowl, and the axiom for black women's looks are just a few examples. But, I tried to like her. I like "Love on Top." I don't really like much of her other solo work, but I attribute that to my general taste in music.

      Anyway, back to Kayla's heart. First, she was offended that Bey named the song "Bow Down." I was not too offended because, sometimes Bey is ratchet. eg. "Ring the Alarm," chinchilla coats!?! Ok, Pimps-R-Us frequent shopper!  Second, there was the cussing- especially "bitches."  I was surprised at this. Bey doesn't cuss! (or didnt used to-- but today is her and Jay-Z's 5 year anniversary, and I think a lot of women's language gets more colorful during marriage).  I know Bey considers herself a feminist.  I also know there are a lot of ways to be feminist.  She did write a song about who "Run the World," but it's (Girls), not women...hmmmm...no comment. 

     When I first heard the song, I thought it was nothing I would want to dance to, but I was happy that Mike Jones was working again.  I had just been trying to remember his phone number and here he was!  Then, I realized it's Beyonce the whole time!!  I should have known because Beyonce ft. Mike Jones would've appeared on some headline.  Also, sometimes she doesn't work with others.  She does most of her own backup vocals and, even at the Super Bowl, she did much of her back-up dancing- with those giant screens and her video duplicates.  She did allow Michelle and Kelly to make an apperance--how nostalgic *sigh*

     Then -back to "Bow Down"- to exacerbate matters, Rush Limbaugh got into the mix.**  Beyonce brought Rush into the media's commentary of R&B.  Like I said, she ruins everything!!  He interpreted her song to mean that women should bow down, know their place, and accept a good man when they have one.  Oh, Rush! We already know nothing is too unimportant for him, especially when he can use it to make black people, Obama, women, or anything liberal look bad.  So, it's not entirely her fault.  Bey is just always in a place that has wide-reaching effects.  I guess that is what super stardom and "queen-ality" is.

     So, in conclusion, I am sorry to all those who have been hurt, shocked, offended, insulted by Beyonce.  All I can advise is to let her have her pedestal, but to keep it in the realm of music, and *gulp* fashion.  (But don't tell that to PETA.  She is always angering them because she wears a lot of animals.  Again, no comment)

**(http://www.eonline.com/news/399922/rush-limbaugh-slams-beyonc-for-bow-down-song-says-she-pulled-a-180)

If you recognized the title from another R&B Royal... all I can say is, Bey is no Mariah! I had a vision of a pop/R&B queen and it was not what Beyonce turned out to be.

      

Tonight, Beyonce Shattered my Heart

"I've got drafts written for this very blog extolling this bitch as the post-modern feminist and she pulls THIS SHIT?! Now I can't even publish the shit."

OK. OK. Let me rewind. I'm Sorry. I'm gonna try to make this coherent and succinct but its going to be hard as BEYONCE JUST SHATTERED MY FUCKING WORLD!

Oh, expletive warning y'all. My emotions are running high.

I don't have the time or the emotional wherewithal to explain to you just how much I loved Beyonce. I don't have the time to explain that I was very sure about my love because she had to work hard to earn since I hated her for a while (see, I can't even write proper sentences cause my stomach is upset and I feel like I might have a stroke).

 I'm trying to explain to you how earth-shattering this is for me. I want to make sure you know that I loved Beyonce fiercely for some concrete reasons. I loved her level of innovation as a musician. Her talent as a vocalist. I loved her work ethic, her classic appeal. I loved her commitment to performing and doing it well. I loved her strength as a woman. I consider myself a feminist and I LOVE women who lift up other women. One of the reasons I loved Beyonce is because I felt she did this in her own way.

Well who the fuck told me to scroll down my damn Facebook newsfeed tonight? I don't know why I did it. I was getting ready to go to bed. I wasn't even prepared to have my world rocked like this. But, lo and behold, I'm scrolling down my newsfeed and I see this:

So I'm like, WTF? The Beyonce I love wouldn't say something so brazenly obnoxious. Yes, she gets a little playful with her banter sometimes but, "bow down?" I was immediately offended.

Little did I know, this was just the tip of the iceberg! Then, I discovered the song. Please try to listen to the whole thing. I know its hard. (Note to Beyonce, if you're going to make an obnoxious, disrespectful song, at least make it sound good!):


SIGH.

I am beyond disappointed. I've been fiercely defending this woman for years and she makes me look like an idiot with this shit!? This goes against everything I stand for as a woman. I cannot be who I am and continue to love and support an artist that thinks this shit is OK. I don't know what happened to her brain but she was way off with this. I know she's trying to push the envelope and break out of this image the world has of her but I happen to like the classic Beyonce. The woman who left it all on the stage. Who didn't care if people thought she was boring and simple because she consistently killed it in the studio and in concert. The Beyonce I love wouldn't stoop to the level of addressing her haters this way because she would know it's not worth losing the self-respecting fans she has who don't give a fuck about her struggle to be "relevant." The Beyonce I love let her music speak for her, not the other way around. If I wanted to listen to another record calling me a bitch, I would just turn on the hip-hop station.

Why does Beyonce think her fans want her to be Rihanna?! Why did she take it there? Clearly, we know you are an amazingly talented person but did Michael Jackson ever release a record like this? No!  He went as far as "Bad" and that's it. Maybe "Leave me Alone" but he made it clear who he was talking to (the papparazzi).

Why Bey! Why?!

I have to stop here. I'm starting to ramble.

More later. I have to pull myself together somewhat.

I have watched myself become mean and ornery. I have caught glimpses of the trajectory my life could take if I stay on this path of misery and bitterness. I will be mean and alone. Right now, I'm alone by choice because I don't feel like being around people. But one day, I'm gonna be alone because nobody wants to be around my miserable negative ass. It's gonna be like, "Oh Kayla? I can only take her in doses." And forget about a relationship with a man! Can you imagine? I won't be able to coexist and compromise with a man for the sake of a happy relationship. I'll just be an angry bitch who would rather be by herself than deal with the occasional inconvenience of a man's presence.

I know women like this. And with no disrespect to them, I'm not trying to be that person. But damn, I can sure as hell see how easy it is to get to that place. It's much easier to become bitter and jaded than to get up and try to be happy everyday. It's almost more natural too. I mean, think about it. What kind of idiot gets knocked down and keeps getting back up only to be knocked down again? How long does a person continue to do that before giving up?

I'm still fighting the good fight to stay engaged and hopeful but acknowledging that it's hard as hell!

Romney's 47% 'Clean-Up' Press Conference - YouTube

I am thoroughly enjoying listening to Mitt Romney trip all over himself pretending to give a fuck. I must admit, he doesn't seem to be trying very hard. I guess he really isn't trying to appeal to that 47%.

Lots of people are upset but I can't summon up the energy for that. I did let out a little gasp when I first read the quote but that was about it. If you haven't heard the controversy: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/09/secret-video-romney-private-fundraiser

I should note that barely anything in politics pisses me off these days. These people are all ridiculous and I'm too busy oscillating between trying to eat (and stay alive in general) and wondering "what the hell am I living for?" So yeah, not much time to give a crap about who is going to further mess up my life or keep it at its present miserable level.

That being said, I am kind of annoyed by Romney's whole casual "these people don't pay taxes" bullshit. I pay more taxes than he does (percentage-wise, obvi) and this economy is killing me! I'm over here racking my brain trying to see how I can pay rent and a car note on my salary. I'm over here brainstorming possible second jobs while fully aware that, if I am working for all of my waking hours, there is really no purpose to living. Simply put: I'm not living large off of the government. For him to say that Obama supporters don't care about his "low taxes message" because they don't pay taxes pisses me off. There's nothing I want more than more money in my pocket right about now.

Oh wait, there is. I want to live in a country not totally run by assholes who are so past racism and elitism that they don't even care about me enough to hate me. They don't even see me. They don't even try to make me think they care about me.

BTW, PLEASE don't be naive. This foolishness isn't going to hinder not ONE would-be Romney supporter. They're not voting for him cause he's a great guy.

Racist Hunger Games Fans Are Very Disappointed

Racist Hunger Games Fans Are Very Disappointed

 I feel stupid and naive that I am still surprised to see how much the people in this country despise black people. *sigh* Most of the time I don't even comment on or share these stories because I'm just overwhelmed by sadness and defeat.  I usually just read the articles and watch the reports and cry by myself in my apartment.  I used to be young and fiery.  Now I'm just tired and defeated.  How can I not feel that way when a man says that he did not mourn the death of a character he loved in the book because she was portrayed by a black girl in the movie.  How much more can we take, God?  How can we truly love ourselves when the world hates us from the moment we are born? What is there to hate about a little black girl? How much can you hate someone you don't know? What is my motivation to bring a beautiful black boy or girl into this world to be shot down like an animal or reviled and despised by the whole world?

Expletives and other offensive words that express my feelings about President Obama and his detractors

The following is a note I just posted on Facebook. It's a little incendiary but so much more tame than it could have been so please give me a break.

Expletives and other offensive words that express my feelings about President Obama and his detractors

After watching the State of the Union Address tonight, I remembered why I have stayed away from political discussion since 2008. It is too stressful to hear the idiotic shit that everyday people say in an attempt to criticize Barack Obama. So I will rant a bit and then promptly stay out of political discussion again lest I give myself a heart attack:

My advice to black Americans and fair weather liberals concerning Obama (I don't care if you asked for it or not): if you have nothing positive to say, shut the fuck up--just like you did when all these other dudes were fucking up the country before.

It's a simple lesson in common sense and solidarity that some of y'all never learned. The president is a figurehead, not a dictator. In a democracy (that's what they call this right here) we have a system where the president is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of enacting significant change on his own. The system was designed that way! As a matter of fact, it is the people, not the president, who are supposed to incite change in a democracy. We are supposed to use our voting power and our financial power to bring about change. Democracy does not work when people decide to duck in and out of the democratic process when they feel like it (something which I can say I am also guilty of at times).

Democracy doesn't work when people expect to vote for a president who seems cool and then sit back and wait for the world to change. Democracy doesn't work when people don't vote in local elections or make their congressmen accountable for their actions. You get the point right? Obama can't work miracles.
My decision to refrain from constantly insulting him does NOT mean that a) I have no criticism for his performance thus far or b) I am caught up in his charm or swag.

Please don't insult my intelligence. I am a realist.

In 2008, I left my city, apartment, family ( my whole damn life) to move to Cleveland not because I thought he was trying or able to change the world but because I felt that he was the first presidential candidate in my lifetime that was worth fighting for. That shit was hard. I cried and endured some humiliation, rejection, racism and a whole slew of speeding tickets I couldn't afford. After it was done, I knew that I would never do it again but I also have never regretted doing it. I believed in Obama. I was inspired by him. I was encouraged by his sincerity. I still am. He still speaks more to my truth and experiences than any other president in my lifetime. But he's still a politician.

People were waiting around for Obama to make water into wine and got mad when he didn't. I don't remember him promising me the moon and stars (even though he did promise me a job the day after he got elected) so I have no reason to be disappointed in him. I have seen him address every issue he promised to address with energy and determination. I'm disappointed in the way some of it turned out but I realize that he was not solely responsible for passing and implementing legislation. I'm disappointed in all the things and people who contributed to the mess we are in.

A lot of y'all decided to start caring about politics when Obama came into office. I, on the other hand, remember crying hysterically BOTH times George W Bush got elected and some of y'all looking at me sideways as if to say "it's not that serious." I remember some of y'all joking about how wack Gore and Kerry were and then stating, very matter-of-factly, that you weren't voting for anybody. Did you realize that someone would win the election whether you voted or not and that that someone could actually fuck up the country more than before? I bet you figured that out after 8 years of Dubya, huh? But did that teach you to fully participate in the democratic process? Nope. I still had to beg some of y'all to register to vote in 2008. BEG! Voting doesn't mean you believe that your candidate is the best possible person for the job. Voting means you're making sure the better option gets elected. It's called damage control.

So yeah, remember them times you didn't vote? Yeah... So shut the fuck up, please. And to my elders: Please excuse my language.

BTW, liberals are the most spineless summumma bitches ever! Y'all need to take a lesson in loyalty and stick-with-it-ness from the Good Old Party and learn to support your damn president. I'm so tired of us giving the democratic party the tools they need to make change (presumably a Democratic president and majority in the house and the Senate, right?) and watching as they work as quickly and productively as possible to squander it. As for you coloreds who seem to be particularly venomous towards Barack Obama: remind me to never stick my neck out for any of y'all trifling, misguided fools!

Many of my good friends will feel that some of this may apply to them and it probably does but luckily I don't choose my friends by their politics so I hope you won't take my opinions as an attack on you personally.

An Interracial Fix for Black Marriage - WSJ.com

An Interracial Fix for Black Marriage - WSJ.com

I think that this article does a good job of explaining the issues that educated black women face in a very direct and concrete way. You can't argue with statistics. Honestly, I don't understand why I should have to work so hard to find someone who wants to marry me. It's just not fair.

All I want is for the black men I know who constantly argue with me about this subject to read this and shut the fuck up. Don't say, "I love my Nubian sistAHs" or "I always knew I would end up with a black woman." Just understand what we're dealing with and don't give me advice on how to solve a problem that you have a part in perpetuating.

I shouldn't have to read a Steve Harvey book to find a man. I'm just saying.

Survival - Bob Marley and the Wailers

I should be in my bed and I'm about to go there but I was just overwhelmed my how amazing the Survival album is that I had to blog real quick about it.  It's not just the most amazing Bob Marley album but one of the best albums of all time.  If you've never heard it, listen to it.  If you don't have a visceral reaction to that music then I don't know what you got going on in your soul.

I'm a little emotional, yes, and some say I'm dramatic but I'm tearing up just thinking about how deeply those tracks affected me growing up.  Its blowing my mind just thinking about how painfully relevant those tracks are to our world right now!  "Babylon System," could easily be an anthem for the Occupy Wall Street movement!  I love this album!  It contains my favorite Bob Marley song of all time (although I'm pretty sure that statement is not really feasible cause I love all of his art) "One Drop."

 When I was in my angry phase in high school, I used to just sing it in my head over and over again to drown out the bullshit they tried to teach me about myself and my culture. 

There is so much emotion dripping out of that song. It wells up in my heart and...sigh.  I just can't explain it.

Just promise me that you will make every effort to listen to this album as soon as possible.  And if you feel me, leave a comment!

Angry Black Bitch

Tonight I will claim the title of angry black bitch! Normally, I don't take kindly to being called a bitch but tonight I just feel like cussing the shit out of everybody so I'll do it here. Kids, cover them ears.

I cannot even go into what pissed me off today because it was a barrage of serious fuck-ups including but not limited to the signing of a 2-yr lease for an apartment. Let's just say, it was too deep to get into details. What I have taken from the way I was treated today is that motherfuckers don't give me the courtesy and respect that I deserve and give to others. So, I have decided that I will definitely need a law degree. I have been going back and forth about law school some experiences of late have brought me to a seriously angry place because of the way I was treated. I felt powerless and I HATE that feeling. Although a law degree doesn't make me omnipotent, it does tend to make people believe that there may be significant repercussions for their bad behavior. Whether it's the threat of losing money to losing their freedom, lawyers can intimidate for real and I need some of that intimidation power. It's become clear to me, people only respond to heavily laden threats at times followed by action. As a lawyer, I can sue the shit out of motherfuckers that piss me off. At least I can send them a threatening letter that tells them how easily and successfully I can destroy their lives if they don't do right by me. At this point, without the degree, I'm simply appealing to people's absent consciences. I haven't been very successful.

Unfortunately, no matter how intelligent, well-spoken and fair you are, you can't make people treat you with respect and levity. I swear I'm going to break on the next person who insults my intelligence, talks down to me, cuts me off on the road (I consider that disrespectful, like it or not!), dismisses me, passes on their responsibilities at work to me and a host of other shit that just boils my blood.

I'm not Albert Einstein but I am quite intelligent. I am no Halle Berry but I am beautiful. And I ain't no Mother Teresa but I am definitely kind. For so many reasons, I am worthy of a lot more respect and consideration than I receive on a daily basis. There comes a point when you get sick and fucking tired of giving love, kindness, respect and positive energy to other people and not getting it back. There's only so much goodness I can put into the world without getting some back. I need to replenish my resources. This is why black women are given a bad rap! Black women are some of the most caring, kind women I know. Why then are we labeled as angry and abrasive? I know! Because we get to a motherfucking point when we get tired of doing right by motherfuckers when no-motherfucking-body is doing right by us! There is only so much a person can take. I can't keep giving. I need some goodness for myself.

Let me tell you something: I know I am an amazing human being. I don't have to guess. You know why? Because I put a lot of effort and thought into how I treat other people. I am not always successful in being as good to others as I would like but I can sincerely say that I am constantly striving to be better. You know what? Other motherfuckers don't give a fuck about how they treat other people. They are concerned with getting money. They want money and power so that they don't HAVE to treat people like me with respect. Silly me. I've been living my life by The Golden Rule all this time, believing that the good I put out into the universe will come back to me somehow. Right now, I am not feeling one iota of goodness and, to be honest, I want my goodness back so I can use it on myself! If I spent half the energy I take trying to be good to others, I could be rich, powerful and happy myself. It's really something to think about.

I'm just tired of people half-assing shit with me. If I pay for a service, I expect that service to be worth the money I paid for it. Don't disrespect me as if I am getting that service for free. I deserve to be treated well. Don't assume that I don't understand something because I am a black woman. On the contrary, I tend to be significantly more intelligent than the people who try to talk down to me. Today, a woman who uses the phrase "for all intensive purposes" tried to convince ME that I did not understand the simple concept of an incentive. The problem was, she didn't understand the concept of professionalism and respect. Did I tell her that maybe she should think about what an intensive purpose was before she tried to school me? No, because I'm trying to be good.

A couple of weeks ago, a mechanic I brought my car to mistook me for a dumb bitch. You know how this goes. A little lady brings her car in because it's making a funny sound or something smells like it's burning and, because she's a little lady, she obviously has no idea what she's talking about. Furthermore, she couldn't possibly understand an explanation of basic car problems because she has a vagine! So, it must be necessary to speak to her like a child when you explain what's wrong with her car. I'm used to this shit. Yes it pisses me off to no end, but I'm not surprised by it anymore. This scenario, in particular was on a whole other level. After telling these mechanics that my car was stalling I listened to them tell me that the car did not stall when they drove it. When I told them that my car regularly rolls backwards while it's in drive and my foot is on the gas on a moderate hill, I was told that I may have "too much stuff" in the back of my car. Hmmm, so, all of a sudden this "stuff" is heavy enough to make a car in drive roll backwards down a hill? Let me make sure you understand that when I say "roll", I don't mean a couple of feet backwards. I mean yards. I mean that if I don't mash the brakes, turn the car off and back on again, I will be rolling back until kingdom come. I tried it a few times and I got angry honks from the people behind me who thought I was on a suicide mission. Normal? I'd say not. In their quest to prove that I'm dumb and don't understand cars, one of the mechanics asked me how long it takes my car to warm up once I start up the engine. When I replied that it takes a really long time and doesn't really warm up until I start driving, another mechanic proceeded to painstakingly show me how to TURN THE HEAT ON in a car I have owned for at least 4 winters. He pressed the little button and EARNESTLY explained to me that the light has to be on for me to feel the heat. Do you think he would have assumed that I was talking about the heat in my car if he thought me to be a truly thinking human being? Who doesn't know how to turn on the heat in a car they have owned for YEARS? Who doesn't know how to turn the heat on in a car they just got into? Come on!

What pisses me off is that I KNOW I'm more intelligent than most of the people who insult my intelligence. I suppose the reason they do so is precisely their lack of intelligence. It doesn't allow them to broaden their perspective enough to conceive of me as capable of complex thoughts. Even with this knowledge it still pisses me the hell off. I would say being treated like an idiot is one of my top three pet peeves. Exacerbating circumstances occur when I know that treatment is a result of me being a woman, being black or both. It often is.

By the way, I took the stuff out of the back of the car just for shits and giggles. I'll give you one guess as to whether that shit is still rolling backwards down hills at alarming rates. Any suggestions?

Monica is amazing!

This was one of those performances I watched in awe and that is mostly because of Monica.  Now, I love Keyshia Cole.  She is a passionate and beautiful artist but this wasn't her moment.  Although she did alright, she was pitchy.  She gets nervous often when she performs live and you can hear it in her voice. 

Monica proves herself to be a seasoned veteran and an explosive talent in this performance.  I mean, she is just a natural.  I have been meaning to post this video for quite some time but...you know how that goes.

Anyhoo, I LOVE Monica and have gained a new respect for her artistry and skill in the past 3-4 years.  What makes it better is that she has proven herself to be a classy and beautiful person inside and out as well.  That just makes her music sound 10 times better.  Enjoy Monica's performance here.

Nappy-headed hoes and other musings

So I posted the following on Facebook this morning. "Lord forgive me for calling that girl a "nappy-headed hoe" last night. Although the name was astonishingly perfect, it still doesn't excuse me being mean." Surprisingly, I received a lot of feedback so I figured I would post about it here in more detail.

First of all, let me make it clear that I do not dislike nappy hair. I've been wearing my hair natural my whole life. It started with my mother not letting me get a perm until I reached a certain age. By the time she let me, I didn't want one anymore. Needless to say, I've been a "nappy-headed hoe" my whole life. I was natural before it was hip. I was perm-free before it became a badge of honor for everyday card-carrying Black Nationalist. When I was in my early teens people would continually ask me "So when are you going to get a perm?" and "Don't you think you're getting a little too old for the curly hair thing?" And then they'd try to use positive reinforcement every time I got a blow-out by telling me "You look so nice with straight hair. You should keep it that way!" My conservative Jamaican aunt would continually ask me if I'd combed my hair that day and my even more conservative 90-year old Jamaican aunt sincerely expressed concerns about why I was growing dreadlocks (I was not growing locks).

Even with those comments, I think most would agree, my hair has always looked "put together." I have always worn my natural hair extremely neatly. It's probably due to the fact that I cultivated my natural look in a time without much acceptance for natural hair in almost any state but I have always been obsessed with looking neat. Honestly, if I walk out the house looking wild, I have always secretly believed I looked akin to a runaway slave. I'm not even gonna lie.

That being said, I don't think that every girl who wears her hair natural should wear it conservatively. One should express their own personality with all aspects of their style. My personal penchance for structure (read:anal retentive OCD) is clearly expressed with the way I choose to style my hair but I see lots of women who wear a more whimsical style beautifully. For the record, I'm learning to break out of my strict Caribbean upbringing by letting my hair wild a little more often. People always respond with praise to my wild hair days.

Needless to say, I am not biased against a little wild nappyness. What I do not like is a woman who figures that, because her hair is natural, WHATEVER she chooses to do with it is a good look. Let's be real here. God made us naturally beautiful but he gave us hands for a reason. They should be used to arrange one's hair on their head in an aesthetically pleasing form. At least that is what I believe. I am tired of girls using natural hair as an excuse to come out their house looking tore up. These women are giving natural hair a bad name.

I bumped into a girl like this last night. Actually, she bumped into me. That's why she became the object of this post. To be honest, if she had never started bumping into me and my friend repeatedly and unnecessarily while dancing off-beat and flailing her horrible hair in our faces, I would have just regarded her as a poor girl who hadn't quite mastered her hair yet. But it was this bothersome behaviour that made her the target of my ire and thus christened her "the nappy-headed hoe."

There were actually a number of nappy-headed hoes at the party I went to last night. I'm not surprised as "The Freedom Party" is pretty much their scene. I have nothing but love for The Freedom Party. I am now officially too old to be going to parties where the DJ is going through the top-played 10 Hot 97 records of the past 10 years. The Freedom Party is where music lovers come to church. It's a party where everyone is focused on the music and they're singing along to every word.

This party attracts a different crowd. At their best, they are naturally beautiful, intelligent positive people of color who want to go to a party with a good vibe and not have to hear about bitches crawling from the window to the wall with skeet skeet skeet on their backs getting superman'd and all other types of ignorance. At their worst, they attract a bunch of self-righteous negroes who believe their education and enlightenment give them the right to look down on people whose hair doesn't look like a bird's nest and don't feel the need to always wear earth-toned linens and "I *heart* my hair" tees to prove they love black people.

Last night, the balance was off. There were some beautiful positive people there just having a great time dancing to the music but they were overpowered by a number of nappy-headed hoes who looked like they ran out of moisturizer before they finished their hairstyle so they had to pretend that's how they meant to look. The particular young lady that I took issue with looked as if she actually worked hard to make her hair look dry and trashy. I wish I had a picture but I'll try to paint a picture for you all. The hair was dyed reddish brown. A hair color that you think only still exists in a Blaxploitation film. It's definitely not a modern auburn. I don't even think this color comes in a box. It looked like she poured scalding hot water on one of my mother's sweaters from the 70's until the color began to bleed and then soaked her hair in it. I didn't know hair color could be vintage until I looked at hers.

Anyhoo, the hair looked in need of a wash. It wasn't curly but it wasn't knotty throughout. Just at the ends, like she had attempted to run a comb through it but gave up and only succeeded in pushing all the naps to the end. Is this a style? No, seriously. Because I'm seeing a lot of women with this and it honestly looks like they didn't finish combing their hair. Anyway, it seems that once she gave up on "combing it through", she then haphazardly placed a few bobby pins in various parts of the hair with no rhyme or reason. Furthermore, I don't even know what she was attempting to hold with those pins. What resulted was a badly clipped, un-sexy mess.

Maybe the bad lighting did her wrong. If that's the case, I sincerely apologize to that nappy-headed hoe for so harshly judging her. Unfortunately, it's more likely that she was just a nappy-headed hoe. And in accordance with her "free spirit" hairstyling, this black lovechild was swaying back and forth like she was auditioning for Alvin Ailey and not in the middle of a packed party in a Brooklyn basement.

The first 10 times she bumped into me, I thought, "Fine. She's having a good time and has a loosely held concept of personal space. I'm not gonna get angry because this is a party of positive people."  Seriously, I really have to talk myself down in these situations. I have an anger management problem. This is my self-help. But after being bumped and pushed around for a half-hour, I could make no more excuses. This nappy-headed hoe was about to get it.

So, I pulled out the comb I usually carry around in my purse for moments like this and placed myself behind her carefully so I could be perfectly poised for the task at hand. I waited until a song transition when my nappy-headed friend would undoubtedly hesitate before failing at an attempt to catch the beat of a new song and grabbed her by the forehead. I tackled her and pinned her down to the ground like a wrestler or like my mother used to do me on Sunday nights after a laborious whole day of hair-washing and proceeded to run a comb from the roots of her hair to the ends. But alas, the task I had taken on was more than I could have ever imagined. The comb would not move. The hair was much too dry. So I called for back up.

"Joanne!" I cried to my friend. "Please grab that spray bottle and carrot cream from my purse!" Joanne gave me the tools I desired and I went to work. My nappy-headed friend didn't know what hit her. By the time she figured it all out I had moisturized and combed those ends, rearranged those sadly placed pins and made this child a woman again. I let her up (I had been holding her down this whole time) and she slowly and incredulously placed her hands on her hair. Smiling slowly, she realized what had been done and thanked me. The young man dancing with her thanked me even more for she had been assaulting his face with her dry-ass hair. I put my tools away and went back to dancing, secure in the knowledge that I was changing the world, one nappy-headed hoe at at a time

Disclaimer: I shouldn't need one because this is my blog and I can be as ign'ant as I want on here but I love black women and I want to make sure that it's clear how much I love natural hair of all textures, fully support black women going natural and have never used the n'word (nappy) so much in my life. Please know that I have no problem with nappy-headed hoes. I have a problem with dry-ass, lazy hair-styled hoes.

Too Much Pride

This just in from a friend who has lots of black males in her family with strong opinions about dating black women:

Apparently, what used to be called "too much attitude" on the part of black women that make them hard to date is now being called "too much pride."

Discuss...